If you’re looking for duties to assign your groom, picking a DJ is one he is less likely to screw up. I know that’s not inspiring confidence, but I don’t wish to suffer the wrath of any bride reader whose groom happens to pick Groovy Gorgio the Swingin DJ who plays a melange of cheese like Footloose, (I’ve Had) The Time of My Life and Celebration.
Here’s my case … From probably about junior high/middle school on (or whatever the hell they call grades 6-8 now), guys are into music, whether it be metal, hip hop, pop, R&B, punk, dance music or Mozart. And why, you ask? Because at that point we’re riddled with zits, our hair is so greasy it shines and our voices sound like a warbling cricket, and we grab at anything that smacks of cool. Musicians of any ilk are the apotheosis of cool and collected, and unlike pro athletes, most of whom a majority of junior high girls couldn’t pick out of a lineup, most popular musicians and rappers are all well known, if not adored, by girls.
We liked Poison, and it's all your fault - photo courtesy of MoondanceJam.com
And the great thing about music is that, regardless of what type of music you attach yourself to, there’s a crowd where you can fit in. If you’re a metalhead, there’s the long haired chicks and dudes who only own black t-shirts and are pierced in places I can’t even imagine. Into dance music? There’s the girls and fellas spinning in someone’s garage after school. And hip-hop? You’re only a pair of baggy pants and a fashionisa Yankees cap away from quasi-coolness. Even if it’s hard-to-tolerate stuff, like the Grateful Dead or Phish (sorry for those fans out there, but I’ve seen the real and post-Grateful Dead, and it wasn’t music as much as delivery vehicle for pot and acid), there is a crowd where you can fit in.
Same goes for high school and really even college. And after college, our identity is still wrapped up into what music we have identified ourselves with for the previous 10 years. This is probably because, for the most part, our maturation stifles from age 14 to about 26. Our interests in music do change and vacillate somewhat over the years, often because the women we date are into something else and we’d rather reluctantly expand our musical palette than sleep by ourselves. I remember feigning enjoyment while one former girlfriend played Phantom of the Opera over and over again, hoping to god she didn’t own more Andrew Lloyd Weber and that this was her idea of foreplay. And now I can probably sing along to the damn thing if I heard it playing when I’m throwing down a slice of pizza at a foodcourt somewhere.
So by the time we are engaged to you, we’ve invested quite a lot of time and thought into cultivating musical interests, whether willingly or not. You and your guy probably share musical interests, which makes this task easier to turn over, and if you don’t, that’s actually better because he’s already made a conscious effort to understand (note that I didn’t say enjoy or share) your tastes and doesn’t want to ruin your night. In fact, even if he hated your favorite band, say Depeche Mode, and every other 80s band as well, he’d still go out of his way to hire an 80s deathwalker who plays nothing but The Damned, Talking Heads and every 12″ that the Mode ever put out, just to make sure you’re happy.
So, for god’s sake, throw us a bone and let us at least screen the DJs. We’ve unknowingly been preparing for this moment our entire teenage and adult lives, and we promise not to botch it (although if we do, it’s the fault of our junior high girlfriend who got us hooked on Hall and Oates).
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