… instead of the father giving the bride away, it would be our favorite pro athlete or musician (which we would later regret after we found out they tried to play tonsil hockey with our bride in the church foyer).
… the bride and groom’s mode of transportation would be a Ferrarri, which means we would actually be late to the ceremony because you can’t outrun a two-way radio.
… the reception meal would consist of steak, Budweiser and Twinkies.
… the lovely “Here Comes the Bride” music would be replaced by something like Van Halen’s “Hot for Teacher” or another completely inappropriate song.
… the ceremony would take place in a barn, because we’d forget to book the church.
… the ring bearer would be our dog, Drillbit, who halfway down the aisle/barn floor would mistake the mother-of-the-bride’s hat for a woodland creature and lose the rings as he lunged for her head.
… our self-inscribed vows would be peppered with modifiers like “awesome,” “stoked,” and “killer.”
… the apparel of choice would be a denim version of dress casual.
… the invitations would be illegible missives scrawled on our “From the Desk of…” notepaper.
… every part of the service would conclude with high-fives among bridesmaids and groomsmen.
… the reception would last 24 hours, after which we would need to be removed by ambulance.
… the wedding colors would be surprisingly similar to those of our college alma mater.
… we’d recruit our best guy friends to help out, who would offer fabulous (i.e., ridiculous and self-serving) ideas like pot brownies instead of cake, see-through bridesmaid dresses and holding the reception on a floating casino.
… no women would attend, because they never liked going to our alcohol-soaked, wiener-fest frat parties in college in the first place, and the only difference between this and those sad galas is that now we’re older, heavier and have less hair. Not exactly an improvement.
Hopefully we wouldn’t be this bad, but you never know what happens when you put a bunch of guys together to plan something. You may get something with the spectacle and energy of the Olympic opening ceremonies. Or it may have all the spontaneity and drama of an office birthday party.
by Jeff on April 21, 2009
Ah, a topic of interest (and possibly trepidation) for many brides … and grooms, too. I know Groomasaurus Gal has a dress she bought 20 years ago that she wants to fit into by our wedding day in November. And although I don’t have a certain outfit I need to squeeze into, like most guys, I have an unspoken vanity about my body and weight. More on that in a second…
We’re getting married in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, in November, and we both are trying to get in better shape for the wedding and just for general health reasons. A few years ago, we both decided that we were getting a bit too lumpy (we both work 10-hour days and are almost obsessively busy) and decided we needed to make a lifestyle change or we were going to end up like some of the contestants on The Biggest Loser (which, incidentally, we both are addicted to … I think it’s one of the most inspiring shows on TV). So we signed on with a personal trainer friend of mine.
Within a few months, we both were in the best shape of our lives, but not without some sacrifice and fatigue. What did we learn? If I was doing it all over again, here’s what I would do:
- Hire a trainer to set up a program for you and then have them work you out for 1 month – After 1 month, you pretty much know the routine and can do it yourself once you start to see results (a motivating factor).
- Don’t starve yourself while working out – There’s lots of places online where you can find healthy meal plans. Just make sure you get enough to eat, because your body won’t burn off as many calories if it’s in starvation/conservation mode. And take it from us … not eating enough while you are working out strenuously makes you very, very grumpy (also bad for a relationship). We found smaller mealtime meals and lots of protein-heavy snacks helped keep us happier.
- Mix it up – We found that doing the same exercises every time you work out makes the gym seem like a task. So mix up your exercises … take an aerobic or boot camp class, ride your bike, take a jog, swim, play basketball, whatever.
- Incorporate lifting into your routine – I know I’m a guy, and guys are supposed to like lifting weights, but I’ve always hated it (and I never had an aspiration to be one of those muscle-bound steakheads you see at the gym lifting like 500 lbs over their heads). But I started lifting lower weights at higher reps, and it makes lifting more of an aerobic activity. And lifting weights is proven to help drop fat and increase muscle mass.
- Do it together – I think this was the main reason why we have stuck with our program. We started exercising together, learned all the routines from our trainer, ate the same healthy kinds of food, and generally were there to kick each other’s butt when somebody said “Screw this. I’m sore, so I’m going to skip today.”
We still follow our routine, but the last few months we’ve been a bit too lax (seems that the winter does that to everybody), so we’re now trying to hit the gym more often to tone things up a bit. But back to the vanity thing … Most guys woudn’t tell you this, but they have a secret desire to rip their shirt off at the beach and display a rippling 6-pack of an abdomen. This isn’t saying that we’re shallow, but most of us do care about how we look. And when we hit the beaches at Puerto Vallarta, I don’t want my belly to flop over my swimsuit like a layer of whale blubber. Anyways, more to come later …
