We’re deep in the throes of winter here in Colorado, and because it’s been an unseasonably cold and snowy winter here and everywhere else in the US, people are a bit more tense and … okay, I’ll say it … bitchy and crabby as the long winter draws on (damn groundhog saw his shadow this year to boot, which means 6 more weeks of winter).
I grew up in Ohio, so by the end of February we were always at each other’s throats. Lack of sunlight and ability to spend time in the warm outdoors ends up saddling with even the sunniest disposition with a big pair of grumpy pants, and this year the pants seem to be about 2 sizes larger than usual for most of us. And why do I bring this up … because now is when many couples begin planning their weddings, and as I have discovered, your mood can determine to some extent the relationship you have with your vendors and others involved with your wedding (this goes for both grooms and brides-to-be).
Unfortunately, some people believe that the best way to negotiate with a vendor or get them to perform their responsibilities properly is to scream at them whenever necessary and throw the occasional fit. I bring this up because I’ve heard a few stories lately about a few histrionic brides and grooms-to-be going completely overboard over the most minute of details. Although sometimes such venting might make the ventor feel better temporarily, this behavior usually ends up hurting these people in the end, partially because a vendor is less inclined to be helpful or accommodating to a person who is berating them and partially because some vendors will partake in what is secretly called “punitive billing” (charging a client more for being a pain in the ass … you laugh, but it’s a fact of life in practically any service-based industry).
Most people don’t fall into that category, but we all can still get really irritated by a vendor or other party who isn’t following through on what you asked them (and paid for them) to do, and I’m just as guilty of this as the next person. And really, no relationship with a wedding consultant or vendor goes perfectly. There’s always bumps in the road and things that don’t go quite right. But when it comes to trying to get someone to step up to the plate and follow through or fix a mistake, it’s always better to take the high road with politeness and kindness and treat them like a sentient adult rather than a misbehaving child (even when they might not deserve such kind treatment).
There were a couple of instances when I wanted to let someone have it with both barrels when we were planning our wedding, but instead of unloading I took a step back, waited a day or so to respond, and when I did respond I did it politely but firmly. 99% of vendors and consultants will bend over backwards to fix an issue anyways, and when you point out a problem and ask them nicely to fix it, usually they are so embarrassed that you had to ask they get to it right away.
Of course there’s always that 1% of vendors who are oblivious to your desires and are just in it for the money, and in that case you should just withhold any additional payments until they decide to follow through (and, if that’s not enough incentive for them, you can always go to the BBB and then to small claims court to get reimbursed). Hopefully it never comes to any of that, but you’ll always get further with a little bit of honey than with a gallon of piss-and-vinegar.
Groomasaurus, our wedding coordinator Nicole, and Groomasaurus Gal
Think of the last party you planned, be it a halloween party, holiday party, birthday party or some other special event. Of course, there was probably a bunch of stuff involved leading up the party. Inviting people. Cooking. Preparing the drinks and booze. Cleaning. Clearing a space in your house where people can actually sit and relax (sometimes a challenge in our house, as we have too much stuff). And on and on.
Now, think of everything you have to do as host of the party. You are answering the door constantly. Hanging up coats. Pulling things in and out of the oven and fridge. Tending bar. Taking out the trash. Trying to keep your dogs from humping or body-slamming everyone that walks through the door. Making sure your brother doesn’t break anything when he gets completely housed. Etc. Etc. All this time, you are trying to sneak in conversations and engage with your guests, but every conversation is cut short by a keg that’s kicked, a spilled drink, a running toilet, a new arrival, etc., etc.
Now picture this x100 with lots more people and loads more money involved, and you have your wedding.
On your wedding day, you have two goals: 1) to actually (and legally) get married, 2) to enjoy your guests. In order to accomplish those two things, you need to be able to focus solely on them, which I guarantee you won’t accomplish if you also are coordinating everything on your wedding day.
Believe me, even if you were the world’s leading Type A, got-your-shit-completely-together multitasker (which is pretty much the definition of my wife), you will never, ever be able to pull off being a great host/hostess and a great coordinator. You might be a great host, but then you’ll probably be an average coordinator, or vice versa. And, believe me, no bride wants “average” associated with anything related to their wedding day.
We had a day-of-coordinator (who actually worked for our destination wedding venue, Vallarta Adventures, through which we had an all-inclusive wedding), and she was fantastic. When my wife needed to be walking down the aisle, BAM, Nicole was on it. When people needed to be rounded up for photos, she was a veritable turnstile. When everyone needed to be seated, she was pulling out chairs for people. When the cake needed to be cut, she was handing us a knife. And not once did we have to consult the kitchen, chat with the bar staff (except to pour me another shot of tequila, and there were many) or consult the DJ, because she was all over it. That way, we could focus on each other and our guests and have the time of our life.
Even if you are the most penny-pinching miser, hiring a day-of-coordinator is a no-brainer and a bottom-line value, mostly because you are actually making the most of a big investment (your wedding) by having them there helping. If money is time, then if you are spending time coordinating your wedding day, you are losing loads of money by not being able to enjoy yourself and your guests. So for just a small investment, you ensure that you will make the most of your big day.
So, thanks a million Nicole for making our wedding day so memorable, and the rest of you, find a Nicole-like clone so you can enjoy your wedding, too.
This might sound like a no-brainer, but I’ve heard so many stories about how couples have bent to the desires of parents, siblings and friends or simply just followed tradition blindly that this needs to be said. Now, there’s certainly a place for tradition, but it should fit your personality as a couple. For instance, there was no way we were skipping stuffing cake in each other’s faces, because we’re a playful couple who likes to be silly, and when are you going to get an opportunity to shove cake up your new spouse’s nose without getting smacked up side the head with a cheese grater or some other jagged kitchen implement. Yeah, that’s what I thought…
And I’m not saying that you should turn a deaf ear to your loved ones (as parents often foot some of the bills for these shin-digs, and therefore they deserve to be heard). But they should know that you simply want their feedback and impressions, not necessarily their input (two very different things) when planning your wedding.
Many engaged couples actually fear putting their whole personality into their weddings in fear that their guests might not cotton to a Kenny Loggins cover band (although they may actually be right about that one) or a 70s attire dress code. But what’s interesting is that, if your guests really know you and love you, then they will go with the flow and revel in your enjoyment of the evening.
Here are a few good examples from our wedding … I made DJ mixes of lots of house music for dancing and of chill-out/lounge music for dining/cocktails (using this really cool professional DJ software called Traktor Pro) prior to our wedding and loaded them onto my iPod. Now, my parents and some of our guests are definitely not into this kind of music, but they all said afterward how fun and cool it was to dance and listen to music that was relatively unfamiliar to them. Another good example is that we both love tres leches cake (Mexican style of white cake that is drenched with three kinds of milk/cream … ungodly, sinfully, I-need-to-run-12-miles-tomorrow-to-work-it-off good), and we decided that we wanted a tres leches wedding cake. Most of our guests had never tasted such a cake, let alone a tres leches wedding cake, but they all raved about it afterward and asked for recipes.
So if you’re uncertain if adding a certain element to your wedding might bore, annoy or otherwise chafe your guests, unless it’s something completely offensive or downright creepy, you should do what you want, and they will likely follow you happily down the aisle and into a swimming pool filled with jello (or whatever else tickles your fancy).
With our wedding, we put certain friends in charge of certain tasks, and it worked out perfectly. We didn’t have a professional photographer, so we had my wife’s cousin Amber coordinate everyone’s cameras so that the wedding and reception were fully covered pictorially (and it was, about 10 times over, with fantastic shots). Our friend John helped man the iPod so the tunes kept flowing (we created playlists and mixes ahead of time so that all he had to do was push buttons). We put our friend Wendy’s two young sons Jake and Luke in charge of handing out programs and corralling everyone onto the dance floor. And so on.
The key to making this delegation of authority tactic succeed is by following these three main rules.
1) Put friends you trust in charge of things they enjoy managing. If your buddy Tim is a huge prankster, then it wouldn’t be a great idea to let him control the iPod (as he might start playing Disco Duck or some other idiotic novelty songs). Or if your friend Jenny really likes to talk and socialize, she might not be able to focus on keeping people moving through the buffet line.
2) Don’t put your family members in charge (unless they are a distant cousin or someone not participating in the wedding). Your wedding party as well as your parents and other close relatives will have plenty to do (entertaining their own friends, hanging out, posing for pictures, etc.), so giving them another responsibility may be a bit too much of a load.
3) Don’t give one person too many duties. Even though your friend Mary may be the most organized person you know and want to take on everything, don’t load her down too much, because you still want these people to enjoy the wedding and not be worried or on alert the entire time. Be prudent in how much responsibility you delegate to each person.
by Jeff on December 4, 2009
After a long, long hiatus, I’m back. In the interim, I launched another wedding planning Web site (this one a wedding planning software site for wedding consultants), did tons of marketing projects for clients, drove to Dallas and back for Thanksgiving and, oh yeah, GOT MARRIED.
So I figured before I start throwing lots of pictures up on the site from our big day and telling the whole story, I’d start off with a series of lessons learned from our wedding so that all you grooms and brides in-planning can benefit from our slip-ups.
And lesson #1 is … plan out the entire week prior to your wedding.
We got married in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico at the wonderful Las Caletas resort area (which is operated by Vallarta Adventures … great people and a fantastic place to get married, but more on that in another post). And although our entire day went off wonderfully, the entire week could have gone a tad bit better and with a little less stress, IMHO.
See, we arrived in Mexico on Sunday, but our wedding wasn’t until the following Saturday, so we had the whole week to play and relax … until we realized that we had a packed schedule trying to hang out with our family and friends. Moreover, because we didn’t want anyone to feel slighted and wanted to include everyone, we ended up being the Julie McCoy (for any of you who still remember the Love Boat) for the entire group.
I don’t want to sound ungrateful, because I love my family and friends, and I really did want to hang out with as many of them as I could. The issue was that we bent over backwards so far to accommodate everyone else that we weren’t really able to relax as much as we wanted until our wedding day. This was totally our fault, and I think maybe if we had planned more “quiet time” for ourselves during the week we would have been able to relax a bit more.
I believe the rule of “planning out your entire week” applies whether you’re having a destination wedding or a wedding in your hometown or even in your backyard, because in either scenario your time is in demand by family, friends, out-of-town guests, your photographer, your officiant … lots and lots of people. And this isn’t a bad thing, but it can make you pretty stressed out if you feel like things aren’t in your control, and the best way to put them in your control is to have a plan.
With that said, we still had a really wonderful time and were able to enjoy ourselves thoroughly … however, we had to take like a 4-day nap when we got back. Lesson #2 to come this weekend.
