If you’re looking for duties to assign your groom, picking a DJ is one he is less likely to screw up. I know that’s not inspiring confidence, but I don’t wish to suffer the wrath of any bride reader whose groom happens to pick Groovy Gorgio the Swingin DJ who plays a melange of cheese like Footloose, (I’ve Had) The Time of My Life and Celebration.
Here’s my case … From probably about junior high/middle school on (or whatever the hell they call grades 6-8 now), guys are into music, whether it be metal, hip hop, pop, R&B, punk, dance music or Mozart. And why, you ask? Because at that point we’re riddled with zits, our hair is so greasy it shines and our voices sound like a warbling cricket, and we grab at anything that smacks of cool. Musicians of any ilk are the apotheosis of cool and collected, and unlike pro athletes, most of whom a majority of junior high girls couldn’t pick out of a lineup, most popular musicians and rappers are all well known, if not adored, by girls.
We liked Poison, and it's all your fault - photo courtesy of MoondanceJam.com
And the great thing about music is that, regardless of what type of music you attach yourself to, there’s a crowd where you can fit in. If you’re a metalhead, there’s the long haired chicks and dudes who only own black t-shirts and are pierced in places I can’t even imagine. Into dance music? There’s the girls and fellas spinning in someone’s garage after school. And hip-hop? You’re only a pair of baggy pants and a fashionisa Yankees cap away from quasi-coolness. Even if it’s hard-to-tolerate stuff, like the Grateful Dead or Phish (sorry for those fans out there, but I’ve seen the real and post-Grateful Dead, and it wasn’t music as much as delivery vehicle for pot and acid), there is a crowd where you can fit in.
Same goes for high school and really even college. And after college, our identity is still wrapped up into what music we have identified ourselves with for the previous 10 years. This is probably because, for the most part, our maturation stifles from age 14 to about 26. Our interests in music do change and vacillate somewhat over the years, often because the women we date are into something else and we’d rather reluctantly expand our musical palette than sleep by ourselves. I remember feigning enjoyment while one former girlfriend played Phantom of the Opera over and over again, hoping to god she didn’t own more Andrew Lloyd Weber and that this was her idea of foreplay. And now I can probably sing along to the damn thing if I heard it playing when I’m throwing down a slice of pizza at a foodcourt somewhere.
So by the time we are engaged to you, we’ve invested quite a lot of time and thought into cultivating musical interests, whether willingly or not. You and your guy probably share musical interests, which makes this task easier to turn over, and if you don’t, that’s actually better because he’s already made a conscious effort to understand (note that I didn’t say enjoy or share) your tastes and doesn’t want to ruin your night. In fact, even if he hated your favorite band, say Depeche Mode, and every other 80s band as well, he’d still go out of his way to hire an 80s deathwalker who plays nothing but The Damned, Talking Heads and every 12″ that the Mode ever put out, just to make sure you’re happy.
So, for god’s sake, throw us a bone and let us at least screen the DJs. We’ve unknowingly been preparing for this moment our entire teenage and adult lives, and we promise not to botch it (although if we do, it’s the fault of our junior high girlfriend who got us hooked on Hall and Oates).
We’ve been planning on getting married for some time now, so in December 2007 we decided we were going to buy rings even though we hadn’t set a wedding date. Initially Groomasaurus Gal wanted an engagement ring with a different stone – emerald, sapphire, something that had color (she’s very untraditional, this girl). So we shopped around for a day or two and found an heirloom emerald ring at a local jeweler that was okay. But we didn’t want to settle for okay (this is her engagement ring for God’s sake), so as we walked away from that jeweler’s store we wandered into another jeweler and, whammo, there they were.
We saw displayed in one of their cases rings that bore designs that I had never laid my eyes on. They had all these intricate contours of different colors of gold, bronze and copper – it actually looked like a cross-section of rock, but that’s not doing it justice whatsoever – and some were embellished with platinum and others with diamonds. We asked to see them, and once we started to closely inspect them, we were hooked.
The designer is George Sawyer, and he is a Minneapolis-based metallurgist who many years ago started making rings by folding layers of gold over on each other in the style of Japanese samuri swordmakers. The technical process of folding the metal is called mokume, and it results in creating rings that are one of a kind. Just check them out…
Here is what Groomasaurs Gal's wedding band looks like
And this is pretty close to how our wedding bands appear ... we wanted the two platinum bands to signify the two of us united by our vows
And here's what a plain band looks like (although it's anything but plain)
This may seem obvious, but bear with me, because there are a few nuances here that brides may not fully realize.
First, everyone on both sides of the aisle understands the value of good kitchenware. We all need toasters to toast our bread, griddles to grid our french toast and poachers to sit at the back of our cabinets and gather dust. You will get no arguement – correction, no good arguement – from guys as to the importance of a fully functional plate, fork, blender, baster or grater. Pardon the pun, but we know which side of our bread is buttered, and it would be foolish to pooh-pooh any utensil or appliance that results in a pleased palate and a full stomach.
(Side note: Knives are always a welcome gift, as they are one of the true gender neutral appliances. I know my college roommate Derek always gave them as wedding gifts, mostly so he could say afterward, “Just don’t use them on each other.” This goes without saying, but Derek is one of the few people I know who possesses a cornier sense of humor than my own.)
You will also get little guff from us regarding the utility of most other general household wares. We may never touch an iron, let alone know how to operate one, but some of the greatest men and women who have walked the planet have receieved irons as wedding gifts, and who are we to break such a revered and longstanding tradition. Accordingly, we acknowledge that towels, sheets, rugs, doormats, clocks and such all have a welcome place in our homes.
But then there’s what I like to call the “elective” category. In college, the elective courses were the ones we took to fill in the gaps around our required curriculum and our major. You know, courses like art appreciation (for those who couldn’t hack art history), science for humanities majors (aka science for dummies), environmental geology (aka rocks for jocks). Well, you can probably guess what items qualify as “elective” wedding gifts. Napkin holders. Dried flower bouquets. Crystal centerpieces. Porcelain duck lawn ornaments. On the surface, these may seem like perfectly pleasant gifts to brides. But it’s these gifts that drive us guys nuts because THEY HAVE NO OBVIOUS PURPOSE OTHER THAN TO EVENTUALLY BREAK AND END UP IN A LANDFILL (the napkin holders may seem like an exception, but because of their rare use they still qualify for his category). I know this sounds mean, and it’s not intended to be, but after we help you unwrap the fourth collectible, engraved silver tray that can never, ever be used as a tray, we are wishing to god for a leafblower.
So, please, throw us a bone and put some guy stuff on your wedding registry. It doesn’t even have to be a big ticket item – although a nice mitre saw or a Dewalt power drill set would certainly put us in the right mood. Just a little sumpthin-sumpthin that we can get as excited about as you would a Kitchen Aid food processer. Just remember, any tool or implement will end up benefiting you anyway, because the leaf blower isn’t going to start itself.
This is the first in a series of posts on wedding elements in which your groom-to-be actually has an interest. With this being the first article, let’s start with one of the most obvious elements – the types of alcohol served at your wedding.
Yum ... grooms likey the tequila
There is that slice of the male population that tee-totals, but for the most part we guys like to imbibe a potent potable on occasion (or on the hour, every hour, as some of my former frat brothers were in the habit of doing). For many guys, drinking was a right of passage that some of us never quite got past. I remember as a kid trying to sneak sips from my dad’s beer can at parties, and I once recall my brother and I as teens invading our parents liquor cabinet and taking hits off those bottles we knew they hadn’t touched in years. Unfortunately that meant swigging at a bottle of Midori with a Drambuie chaser (a god-awful combination), which later on led to a chaser of Pepto Bismol.
And then there was college, where it was tacitly understood that drinking until you were half-blind was a sign of maturity – as asinine as that may sound. As we move beyond those more reckless and misguided years, drinking evolves into both a more social activity – enjoying cocktails with friends, hitting happy hour with co-workers, etc. – as well as a solitary respite (i.e., when we return home and knock one back to take the edge off another day of tolerating our dunderheaded boss).
Regardless of what came before this juncture, to whatever extent your guy drinks, he will still be interested in what will be served at his wedding. For the bride who is having a tough time prodding her fella into participating in the planning process – not a shocker to any extent – this affinity for drink may actually be your opportunity to delegate. If he can write and talk and add, he can certainly talk with your caterer or facility and coordinate with them the kinds of beverages you want as well as the budget you have set aside. Hopefully your beau has honed his negotiating chops over the years by haggling with car dealers (might as well throw another cliche in the mix), so he should be able to talk down your vendors to a decent price for all the booze.
Speaking for myself, it’s always nice to have another set of eyes looking over my work, as I’ve been known to become so enamored with a certain drink that it’s not beyond reason that I’d order 20 fifths of Don Julio and 10 cases of tempranillo and nothing else. So once the groom has assembled his list, give it a once over to make sure he’s included the champagne as well as that favorite rum of yours.
Bottoms up, and happy planning…
